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My friend is attempting a 30 day cleanse this month, I said to her “The weekend before Halloween and all these awesome Halloween parties this weekend. Don’t be stupid. I’m calling BULLSHIT!”

Everyone knows before starting a cleanse you must first check for all major holidays St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, 4th of July, The Oscars, Memorial Day, Coachella, Labor Day, President’s Day, Martin Luther King Day, Burning Man, Easter, The Emmy’s, Columbus Day, Veterans Day, My birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, The 8 days of Chanukah, Flag Day, New Years Eve, New Years Day, Taco Tuesday, Hump day, Thirsty Thursdays, TGI Fridays, Saturdays, Sunday Fundays, The Grammy’s

Then you must check all important sporting events, Lakers games, NFL Sundays, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, all USC games, etc…

Then check all your important friend’s birthdays, check your calendars for weddings, anniversaries, bachelor/bachelorette parties, baby showers, Barney’s New York sales and other important life events.

Then you have check all concert schedules you may want to attend… because let’s be honest who wants to see John Mayer or Snoop Dogg sober… not me.

Then take a pregnancy test… then decide when you should quit drinking and do your stupid fucking cleanse. Geez.

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